House

The house is best when there's no one here but me. The only air that I inhale and exhale, over and over again, is just mine. I'm not sharing precious oxygen with the lungs of those occupying the same residence as I. It's all mine.

No one is here to hear the second heartbeat that is pounding hammers against my skull.
No one is here to warn me that the pills I've swallowed will knock me out for at least six hours.
No one is here to make me drink water and sit by the fire. No one is here to notice me.
No one is here to care.

The house is best when the only noises are mine, and I have control over what sounds reach my ears. Except for the haunting thudding in my head, I am the monarch of this building, and of everything inside. I am a dictator. I tell things to stop, I tell them to start again. I am angry when it is not anyone's fault. It is mine.

No one is here to look at my drawings and try to interpret them.
No one is here to sit by my side on the couch and listen to me spill my mind.
No one is here to watch me cry, no one is here to comfort me.
No one hears.
No one is here to care.

The house is best when the music can sail through it without anyone being annoyed with my choices. My songs are my songs, and I take them for my own pleasure, not for anyone else's. I share my original music only with the stillness, and I shatter the stillness. It is mine.

No one is here to read the words I have so carefully written onto these pages.
No one is here to smile, or frown, or agree. No one is here to understand my explanation.
No one is here to contradict or to converse.
No one speaks.
No one is here to care.

The house is quiet when it is just mine. It breathes and sways like a creature hungry, and fear breeds on my echoed gasping. A thousand ghosts seem to appear, leering at me, taunting me. My words spill from my mouth, a desperate attempt to keep my mind from wandering. The instrument that burns in my fingers crumbles, a tuneless heap, a failure. Those in the other rooms speak to each other, and I can hear them laughing...

But...

No one is here to care.