I Dare You

Here I am again. I always end up here when my cotton-candy barriers fall apart and I can't handle it anymore. The wind makes me feel better, and I close my eyes and imagine it taking me away, far away...

I let it flood again. The waters came and they poured through my mind, and they melted my barriers like ice in the fire, and they poured out my eyes and I let myself cry. I stood in the corner, in the bathroom, in the safety of the shadow of my school and I let myself cry. Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't. Sometimes I want you to see. Sometimes I don't.

Here it is beautiful; here, with death just a step away. I could jump, and I could feel alive as I fell -- alive! I could be free. And then when I hit, it would be over, and I couldn't hurt people anymore, and I couldn't cry, and I could be home. Just a step away.

I balance carefully on the edge. The wind blows me back, it blows through my hair and whispers with the voices of those I love, those who love me. I know what they say, and I wish I did not have to hear them. I am afraid. Fear is only countered by mastering it, and here I am, a step away from ending it all, and fear is still creeping up my spine and poisoning me slowly.

I spread out my arms and scream, I scream so that my hoarse voice echoes and bounced. In my mind's eye, I can see the bodies of those who have followed this tempting path before. They are all broken and bleeding, but they are free, and they won't hurt anyone anymore.

I want someone to know. I want to take him, to take you, to take anyone and shake them and make them know who I really am.

Listen to me. Do you hear that? Look at me. Do you see that? Do you see what I am? Do you see my faults? Do you see them? Do you know where I fall short? Do you know my weaknesses? Do you know where I lie, when I lie, why I lie? Do you know?

I dare you to look at me, I dare you to see who I am. I dare you to recognize my flaws. My bloody, scarred, deforming flaws. I want you to stare at them, I want you to take them in and understand. I dare you to listen to me cry until my voice burns. I dare you to hear me when I scream at night because of the nightmares. I dare you to know me.

And then I dare you to love me anyway.

This cliff -- this edge -- this chance, it's so beautiful, so tempting. I could leave this. I hate hurting you. I hate hurting and I hate feeling as if I am not enough. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. I am not enough. I hate myself. I hate who I am, I hate who I have become.

I dare you to love me anyway.

I dare you to come and pull me away from where I am standing. All my cotton-candy barriers are down, I have nothing to hold me together, nothing to keep me from throwing myself off this beautiful, beautiful edge. I dare you to say I still mean something to someone. I dare you to say I've still got a chance. I dare you to humor me and just make me feel better one more time.

I dare you to mean what you say to me. The sun is setting fast and I need a decision, I need to know what I'm going to do.

I dare you to drag me away. I dare you to hit me until I understand that I'm lying to myself. I dare you to yell at me until I cry. I dare you to keep me away from this place in my mind.

And I dare you to love me anyway.